I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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