Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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