the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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