There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
