96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
