So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
