All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
