just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
