i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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