now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
