I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize