not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
