Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize