she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
