Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
