goodnight i made you a song goodbye
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
