He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
