Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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