I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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