There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize