Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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