If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
