im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
