i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
