I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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