what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Randomize