party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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