Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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