Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
