And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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