why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
