fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
