Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
