Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
