Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
