Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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