He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
