oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
