Me too!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
