My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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