someone get that fucking seahorse.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
