you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
