How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
