the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
