I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize