I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We left the knife in your bed.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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