New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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