I can't watch pbs sober anymore
People in love make me want to vomit
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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