If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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