i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish i was in the wii world.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
