Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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