Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
