Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize