I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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