I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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