Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
