the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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