I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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