How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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