Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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