morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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