I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
