Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
