he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
