Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
