I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
