Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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