No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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