Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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